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  1. #61
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    Default Re: Contest: Win a free iON BatteryTimer app license by Capree.com

    I need you help man! I think there's a limp on my left testicle. Will you feel it?

    Okay... That's your right testicle.

    No, in between them.

    That's an erection.

  2. #62
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    Default Re: Contest: Win a free iON BatteryTimer app license by Capree.com

    An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says:

    -Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.

    So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks:

    -So how’s it going down there in hell?

    Satan replies:

    - Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there’s no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next.

    God replies:

    - What You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there, send him up here!

    Satan says:

    - No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.

    God says:

    - Send him back up here or I’ll sue.

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers:

    - Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?

  3. #63
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    Default Re: Contest: Win a free iON BatteryTimer app license by Capree.com

    Just bought a new paper shirt. I don't like it. It's tearable.

  4. #64
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    Default Re: Contest: Win a free iON BatteryTimer app license by Capree.com

    Wife: Last night I saw a dream that you were buying jewelry for me.
    Husband: Yes, I saw your dad paying the bill..

  5. #65
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    Default Re: Contest: Win a free iON BatteryTimer app license by Capree.com

    After numerous rounds of war: "We don't even know if Osama
    is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George
    Bush a letter in English, in his own handwriting to
    let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the
    letter and it appeared to contain a real strange,
    perhaps coded message: *370HSSV-0773H*

    Bush was baffled, so he emailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her
    aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
    No one could solve it so it went to the CIA, then to
    NASA. With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually
    asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White
    House: "Tell the President he's holding the message
    upside down.

  6. #66
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    Default Re: Contest: Win a free iON BatteryTimer app license by Capree.com

    A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

  7. #67
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    Default Re: Contest: Win a free iON BatteryTimer app license by Capree.com

    Great jokes guys..................here's mine

    The construction worker comes home after a long and tiring day at work only to find his neighbor giving it to his wife......He gets wild and drags the fellow, who is still naked, by his hair and starts shouting at him, "You bastard, I've lent you money, loaned you my car and this is what you do".....finally he drags him all the way to the garage and secures the neighbor's dick into a clamp and throws away the handle. He then proceeds to take a hack saw from the workbench at which point the neighbor screams, "NO NO PLEASE DON'T ........YOU'RE NOT GONNA CHOP IT OFF ARE YOU....?"

    The husband with a gleam of revenge in his eye says, "No you are......I'm gonna set the garage on fire"!

  8. #68
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    Default Re: Contest: Win a free iON BatteryTimer app license by Capree.com

    Men are just simply happier people, and here is why...

    Your last name stays put.

    The garage is all yours.

    Wedding plans take care of themselves.

    Chocolate is just another snack.

    You can be President. You can never be pregnant.

    You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

    Car Mechanics tell you the truth.

    The world is your urinal.

    You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

    You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

    Same work, more pay.

    Wrinkles add character.

    Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

    People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

    The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

    New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

    One mood all the time.

    Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.

    You know stuff about tanks.

    A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

    You can open all of your own jars.

    You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

    If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

    Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

    Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

    You never have strap problems in public.

    You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

    Everything on your face stays its original color.

    The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.

    You only have to shave your face and neck.

    You can play with toys all your life.

    Your belly usually hides your big hips.

    One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

    You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

    You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

    You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

    You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

    No wonder men are happier

  9. #69
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    Default Re: Contest: Win a free iON BatteryTimer app license by Capree.com

    Chuck Norris was dropped only twice as a baby, once on Hiroshima and the second on Nagasaki.

  10. #70
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    Default Re: Contest: Win a free iON BatteryTimer app license by Capree.com

    Knock Knock..

    Who's There??

    Toilet..

    Toilet who??

    It's TOILET to apologize! It's TOILET!!!


 
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