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  1. #31
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    Default Re: Contest: Win a free iON BatteryTimer app license by Capree.com

    "A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

  2. #32
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    Default Re: Contest: Win a free iON BatteryTimer app license by Capree.com

    The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

    "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

    The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

    "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

    The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

    "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

    "Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

    "No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

  3. #33
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    Default Re: Contest: Win a free iON BatteryTimer app license by Capree.com

    Women are like a hurricane, at first warm wet and wild and in the end they take your house and your car and leave you with nothing.

  4. #34
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    Default Re: Contest: Win a free iON BatteryTimer app license by Capree.com

    "knock knock"

    "who's there?"

    "the broken pencil"

    "broken pencil who?"

    "nevermind, it's pointless"

  5. #35
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    Default Re: Contest: Win a free iON BatteryTimer app license by Capree.com

    There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

    When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

    He now works for Microsoft, writing ERROR messages.

  6. #36
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    Default Re: Contest: Win a free iON BatteryTimer app license by Capree.com

    The Prime Ministers from UK and Singapore and the President of USA, were traveling on a warship that was cruising near S.Arabia. The 3 were talking about how brave their soldiers were when their cordial discussion soon turned into an argument where each wanted to prove the bravery of their own soldiers.

    The Pres. of USA said, "let me show u what is guts", where upon he called his Colonel and said "Jump into the sea and swim 3 rounds around this ship!".

    The Colonel replied "Anything for Uncle Sam, Sir", and jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 3 rounds around the ship, with the sharks chasing him like mad! After the successful 3 rounds, the Colonel came up to the deck and said, "I did it for Uncle Sam Mr. President!". The proud US President replied "That's what I call guts!".

    The Prime Minister of UK became aggressive and quickly called his General and said "General, jump into the sea and swim 10 rounds around this ship!".

    The General replied "Anything for the Queen, Sir", and jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 10 rounds around the ship, with the sharks chasing him frantically. After the successful 10 rounds the 3-star General came up to the deck and said, "Long Live the Queen!". The proud UK PM replied "That's what I call guts!"

    The Prime Minister of Singapore cannot control himself. He had to show that his soldiers have it too. He called one of his Private and said "Soldier, jump into the sea and swim 15 rounds around this ship!"

    The Private replied "Oi, you siao (crazy) izzit?" I juz bought my 4-room and I am paying through my nose. Now, U want me to jump and die, eh? If u want to hao lian (show off), you jump into the sea yourself! The Singapore PM smiled and said "Now, that's what I call guts".

  7. #37
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    Default Re: Contest: Win a free iON BatteryTimer app license by Capree.com

    If a man builds a thousand bridges and sucks one dick, they don't call him a bridge-builder... they call him a cocksucker.

  8. #38
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    Default Re: Contest: Win a free iON BatteryTimer app license by Capree.com

    A couple about to get married are out to dinner. They discuss finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally the man says, "So once we are married, how often would you want sex?" "I would want it infrequently," replies the woman. The man sits quietly for a moment, then leans toward the woman and whispers, "is that one word or two?"

  9. #39
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    Default Re: Contest: Win a free iON BatteryTimer app license by Capree.com

    Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

  10. #40
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    Default Re: Contest: Win a free iON BatteryTimer app license by Capree.com

    I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

    Not screaming in terror like his passengers.


 
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